Lorena Villegas

My psiquiatrist said:

For an English man the distance between of what he says and what he does is very short…

That distance for a Chilean is longuer than any one….

hmmm….

 Might be a silly manual for some or the greates for others.

See for your self  and try to read this book which was based in 6 years or investigation in human relationships, so, so, so complicated these days.

U might be lucky and be one of those happy people who can see and use on your favor the happy differences between men and women.

its about time we can reconciliate our cultural background planets and be just happy… no?

I have enjoyed the book so far and i can see so many patterns there, God! i was not the only one then, I was not from Mercury as I thought. I am from Venus and my man from mars….

Peace and love……

Have you even been thoughtful? I know is hard for a Latin think before act. I have to admit that was a concept hard for me to understand, as usually, I pretend and think I know exactly what I want.

How ever, from sometime, I have been wondering around this house, reading a lot to find out puzzles so I can comprehend for once and assertively what I want. What I really need and what I really can hope for. 

Too complicated? Maybe yes. How I wish people can have an easy manual and just like computers we can be programmed do the things right. So we can be in some stage when things are not working and we could say: “Hmm I think I do not get it, can I see your manual please?” the world would be a different one for sure. 

But any way, as a therapy, a cheap one, I am writing here instead. And how funny that can be, because I know there some of you reading this pages time to time and that is very flattering, but the main reason what I did this for was Phillip and he does not click here. I am absolutely positive that he has seen this page once, left a short message and then went to his real issues. :(

There is a Chilean study that says since the boom of writing in Blogs began, people do not need to go to the psiquiatrist so often, as when we write, we realize many of our deep thought and become in a therapy it self. Interesting. next week,  I will be going to the shrink doctor to see how my mental health is going. And this is the profound part that I would like to talk about in here 

It feels already like a boring subject, I know, it even tires me more and more each day, but I feel as well I am getting there and for the first time, I have taken away a blury  piece of fabric from this entire situation and see some things like I never saw them before. 

I do not have the answers though, just million of more question, for a change. 

Does real love exist? And how do we know is real? And could we always behave like the real love we feel? Or we are what our actions are? And they speak for us? Are mistakes allowed in real love? Are irrational feelings like anger and jealousy part of real love? Can real love demand some love back? Can we be humans when we say we  are really loving somebody? 

I have loved this person for so many years, or so I said, when eventually he gave me an opportunity to be with him again, I fucked it up.  I felt insecure, I felt threated by another woman, I felt I wanted to be loved inemediatly as the same way I loved and I demanded that sometimes with sadness and rage, inciting this person to feel unsure of what he was doing with me. Can somebody blame him? In the mean time we were object of some destiny game and we felt so trap by fate tests, usually coming after having sex with no protection… I do not want to go into that. 

Any way, as far as I have been reading - experts should know better, this behavior was not very mature from my part. Never has been good to loos your  temper, no matter how many and valid justification we can have. Ex: Some flash back of resentments from the past, some lies in between about sleeping with another women etc… BUT,   Never lose your temper at the person u say u love. Rules and techniques… 

It would be just a minimum non important extra information to say how In The LIMBO I feel with this right now. In a completely no where land. But more I read more I see, and more I put things together, more sticks in my heart that the best way to fight for this love is setting it free, free and individual, free even if with that means will never return to me. Is that too cliché? 

I feel like a failure, like in a constant trial where all my movement were analyzed and that chance was given to me did not allowed to be my self: that strong, cordial, funny person you all met and that person who make possible our friendship… 

But who is being my self? Is it who I am every day?, and every minute here on my own with my child? Is how I resolve problem within minutes with no tears as  I focus in solutions? being proactive and energetic? And if that is me, why I could not transmit that to him? and instead, I become insecure and dependent of his words and moods, afecting me so much what he said and did not do.

I have been in this for 6 years now. Which of 2, we have been together and 4 apart. Even divorced. We have this child in common and some past. 

Did we have to expect this chance we took meant to work immediately or meant to be a process? If we had some problems, that means we are fucked up for ever? or we need to see a little more as it was our first approach after 4 years separated? 

I see this man and I know things. I love his eyes, the way his smiles and some mannerism with his face. I like his nose and his strawberry kisses, his broad shoulders, his big arms and hands. But I know there are other parts of his body I do not like. 

I love some aspect of his personality. He has such a clever sense of humour, making me laugh so much and he has a very bright mind, very lucid thought and ideas about the world, life etc… and I feel stimulated when I am with him. He is a very clever person. He leaves me free to be. He is so easy in domestic matters that take some pressure out about all that house work that women have to do sometimes. 

For another hand, he is sometimes arrogant and like drinking a lot. He forgets next day what he did and say, so every thing said or done in alcohol is like a blank tape for him. He can be lazy with Thomas and leave every thing up to me, but if I ask him he does it. And he has some kind of devotion to his friend, not to play a tennis match Saturday morning, those friends who can get drunk with. 

We have an extraordinary sex and maybe he has been my best sexual partner ever. I feel free and able to do what ever. Every thing seems to be permitted for us. 

Despite of not feeling 100% physical attraction, what turns me on more and make me write this words, is what he can transmit in little thing he does ans sometimes what I can feel just looking into his eyes. I feel he completes my other half and makes me feel very proud I have his child. Is that love?

He never said he loved me. He never asked me to wait. Is it my time then to demonstrate my real love, and set him free once for all?. If he goes away then this story will be written and over and if he returns, maybe I could love him a little better again?. 

    Really, really, really?… 

 Hi Lorena,
Well this could be fun, just thinking about the fact that you are several thousand  miles away in a different culture and climate, and yet when we press the send button communication is almost simultaneous between us, its just the delay between writing. I’m afraid I won’t be all that  good a friend at the moment with Christmas and New Year, I’m not going to be spending too long in front of a computer. I’ll be spending Christmas with my family who live about an hour’s drive away in a beautiful sleepy little village near the south coast. But only for one day, then my family and I are going to our friend’s in Norfolk in another sleepy rural village for a much larger Christmas, they have two boys, both about my age and we have been friends all our lives. I have a younger brother, who is also musical, playing the piano and the guitar, and studying at Cambridge at the moment. I’m looking forward to seeing him at Christmas and catching up.
What are you doing for Christmas? How is it celebrated in Chile?

I have also visited, and lived in quite a few of England’s major cities, including Manchester, Birmingham and London. This weekend I am driving off to visit old friend’s in Manchester, which I haven’t seen for several months, and am looking forward to it. I really love the city and
lived there for 3 years a couple of years ago. I also like where I live now, although I only moved here about 4 months ago to start a new job.
Last year I spent 8 months travelling in S.E. Asia, including Nepal, India, Burma, Thialand, Laos and Australia, it was a great experience, and I hope to visit more places in the world. Its amazing how far apart in distance and culture we all are but really how similar we are in outlook, and how friendly people are.

I studied German for a year, and all I can do now is count to ten, announce my name, and say I am unable to understand. The English aren’t well known for understanding other languages.

Music: I also like Blur, my favourite song at the moment would have to be Coffee and TV. I was lucky enough to see U2 in concert with my brother last year at Wembley Stadium in London, got to say it was a great gig. Did you get a chance to see any bands play while you were over here?

Better stop there I think, or I too could be accused of writing a LONG letter.

Your friend,
Phillip.

La cagaron. Lejos los músicos británicos son los mejores del mundo, alguien podría mencionar bandas aisladas en el resto del planeta, pero nunca como el semillero constante y sonante de esa isla maricona. 

Es increíble como producen, crean, imaginan las melodías mas diversas y geniales. Soy sólo yo? No lo creo. 

Es el frío, el viento, el mal clima lo que los hace esconderse , encuevarse a simplemente crear? 

Desde niña, y digo muy niña, 11 años, un día simplemente me pegué. Comenzó con Lucy in the sky with diamonds y terminó con Londres en mi cama y la Union Jack en mi vientre. 

Le pregunté a mi madre cómo se llamaba esa banda que sonaba constantemente en la radio y ella me contestó son los BEATLES, unos pelucones ingleses de mi época. Listo. Ya estaba hecho y no había vuelta atrás. Particularmente John Lennon en ese tema cantaba agudamente y oscilante, melódicamente perfecto y cagué. 

Mi vida me la pasé en el británico, instituto de inglés que me permitía traducir las canciones. Ese era mi único objetivo. El persa de Franklin recolectando discos, San Diego, buscando revistas viejas Ritmo, y sin duda, al lado del quipo de música. 

Mi misión y deleite era  informarme, aprender, comprender por qué Los BEATLES impactaron musical y socialmente en el mundo. Un poco too much para una cabra moquillenta, no? YES. 

Sólo cuando egresé de la universidad, pude por fin trasladarme a la Meca. Unos ahorros, las ganas, un contacto y me fue mierda a LIVERPOOL. Qué momento! Qué impresión! 

Lo pasé la raja, re - conociendo todo lo que ya conocía  en teoría, demostrándoles hasta a los propios ingleses que sabia mas que ellos en muchos aspectos. Loco no? 

Al siguiente año me volví a dar una vuelta por UK , tenía unas ganas de repetirme el plato con sabor a nostalgia. Aunque fue un viaje muy corto, la verdad es que me daba cuenta que la fantasía vivía en  mi cabeza y no en las calles de Inglaterra. La gente no saltaba al son de música sixties, ni minis, ni escarmenados. No para todos la vida es un constante video clip.  

UPDATE 

 I moved on y comencé a digerir el nuevo pop, ese que lleva en los genes a los BEATLES, pero vitalizados… me enamoré otra vez, que chica más fácil, no? 

Pulp, Blur, Suede, Chemical Brothers, Stone Roses… qué se yo, hay miles… 

Usando ya la tecnología me metí a una página para hacer amigos por Internet, todo el mundo incluido. En ese tiempo Excite.co.uk. Buenísima! Ya no existe y no es igual. 

Hice muchos y en muchas partes, pero en especial me concentré en Uk, de donde obtuve Cds que recién estaban a la venta, verdaderas joyas en términos de exclusividad y de ahí, de esos chico paleteados, después de enviar el Great Scape - Blur, apareció el amor de mi vida, y lo que algunos describen como un momento casi bíblico, lo que no puede ser más verdad: las luces de la creación alumbraron su rostro. Phillip era mi buen amigo en línea. 

De la música al amor por Internet….

Y este Chico la lleva en la sangre. Le sale por los poros… mi hijo, fruto del amor por el pop inglés…  hey MR DJ, pónte Coffe and TV!

like my brother in law wisely said… what else could a man want…

WINE , DINE AND 69…